In my article about food, I mention that my daughter Faith is my best food story. So here it is:
From the beginning, Faith has had issues around food. She always seemed worried that there wouldn’t be enough.
I know it sounds crazy, but I swear this is because she’s an identical twin, and never did have enough right from the get-go. She didn’t have enough space (she was squished way down under her sister, whilst Katy literally performed somersaults above her with all the room she had). Nor did she have enough nourishment (while the girls weren’t really considered underweight for twins, they were a full two pounds lighter than their singleton brother and sister, so obviously the sharing in utero had an effect).
By the time Faith was a toddler, it was clear that food was on her mind way too much of the time, especially sweets. She was a hoarder, loading her plate just in case anything ran out before she was ready for seconds. Although I didn’t forbid sugar or sweets, Faith always wanted more than anybody else, and never seemed satisfied with her portion. She asked for snacks when she clearly wasn’t hungry, but was bored or upset. And she equated having a good time with having a treat to eat. When we had an outing planned, Faith eagerly anticipated not what she’d get to do, but what she’d get to eat.
Now I’ve had my share of struggles with food. And I married into a family that did, too. So I could see the writing on the wall. By the time Faith was four, I was pretty sure she was headed down a dietary path that would bring her all kinds of misery. Thankfully, I found unschooling, and learned that Faith’s food fate did not have to be sealed. That it was possible to help her to establish a healthy relationship with food; one based on abundance and pleasure instead of scarcity and fear.
There was only one catch. The advice I was getting from the unschooling world was the polar opposite of everything I’d ever learned or experienced.
I was used to the food pyramid approach: plenty of the basic food groups and a very sparing amount of the “junk”. Juice was labeled “empty calories”, so we had no more than 6 ounces per day. We ate sweets only occasionally, and only after meals. I took pride in toting along snacks that would put the less conscientious moms at the playground to shame. And I watched food intake like an anxious hawk. While I never actually made my kids clean their plates, I often coaxed them to take just a few more bites, especially of the veggies that were usually left behind.
When I started reading about the unschooling approach, I was shocked, fearful, and more than a bit skeptical. Sure, trusting kids to read their bodies and make their own food choices sounded good in theory. Maybe it even worked for kids who already had fairly healthy attitudes about food. But for my Faith? No way! If left to her own devices, I was sure she’d eat me out of house and home. Her only food groups were likely to be salt and chocolate. She’d probably gain about five pounds just in the first week. I wasn’t sure I could risk it.
But I kept reading and thinking. Other people’s stories of kids successfully moving from food limits to food freedom reassured me . Maybe it could work for Faith. I decided it was at least worth a shot, so I screwed up my courage and jumped in to the unschooling style of eating.
I started out slowly. I didn’t rush right out, buy a bunch of “junk” and yell, “Party at the table!!” or anything. But one step at a time, I released a bit of the control. Monkey platters were a great way to ease in. With each new step, I found I had to breathe my way through it, and deliberately examine and move through my uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I realized that my own thinking was more in need of change than anything else.
But back to Faith.
She could hardly believe her good luck when I stopped limiting her portions, or broke out the cookies at the same time that I served the grapes. The first time I said she could have some ice cream for breakfast – not with breakfast, mind you, but for breakfast – I think she secretly wondered if I’d been stolen and (as the great comedian Steven Wright would say) replaced with an exact replica…one who was a heck of a lot more fun than the original. She was in heaven!
Kids who start unschooling after years of attending school often go through a process known as “deschooling”. I think the same happens to kids who have lived with food limits when they are first introduced to food freedom. Call it “de-fooding’, maybe. Whatever you call it, Faith definitely experienced a period of over-compensation. Every meal began with “dessert” foods. Some meals consisted entirely of “dessert foods”. We went through popsicles and cookies like there was no tomorrow. I spent a lot of time rereading success stories, just to keep my spirits up.
Slowly but surely, Faith’s food choices began to even out. I couldn’t believe it the first time she picked the grapes over the brownies in the monkey platter. I thought it had to be a fluke. But it wasn’t. Once she was able to view all food as equal, “junk”, the value of which had become artificially inflated when it was limited, became just another option, no more or less desirable than carrots or cheese sticks.
Faith discovered the freedom that came from being in touch with her own body. She has learned to listen to it, and to trust its inner wisdom to guide her. She eats when she’s hungry. She stops when she’s full – even if that’s only a couple of bites into a yummy confection. She enjoys food to the fullest. She’s healthier than ever. There’s no more hoarding or obsessing about food. She’s truly free.
As for me, my journey has taken longer than hers. I’ve still got unlearning to do – attitudes and beliefs to debunk in my own head. But I’m getting there. Today, if the menu includes cookies for breakfast, I’m learning to embrace it.
Someday, I hope I can be just like Faith.
Bon Appetite!
Thanks for sharing your story Nicole. I couldnt have found this at a more appropriate time. I need to keep reading more success stories to keep me in check right now. Since I’ve imerced myself/my family into full RU the past few weeks have been like chaos even more so then it was before lol…
Thank you,
Krista.
Thanks for your encouragement, Krista! I remember those early days, too. Keep on reading those encouraging stories…and remember to breathe!! Before long, a new rhythm will begin to establish itself. You’re doing great!
I finally found your blog and I love it! Good Job, Nic.
Do you think I could be helped using the ‘unfood’ premise that you used with Faith? or is it too late for me?
love ya,
kathy kelley
Hi Kathy!
Thanks for following my blog! As far as food goes, I think it’s never too late to learn to listen to our bodies! Those of us over seven just have a little more “unlearning” to do first! Be of good cheer 🙂
Of course they focus on smelling, tasting and touching! I do that too and I’m a grown up! Reading about something? Umm .. I can do that online. Seeing it? Umm … there’re pictures on the internet. Hearing it? MP3s online. Seeing and hearing? Youtube. Conversations? This comment here or video responses.
The fact that an ice-cream for example fulfills all three criteria in one go is not something that can be helped. I went on a boat trip the other day and yes, the part I enjoyed most was the feel, smell and taste of the scones with jam and cream, the chips and the ice-cream and the feel of the breeze ruffling my hair.
I think that’s a ‘digital native’ thing, not a ‘child’ thing. The consequences of this mean that in another what 40? 60? 80? years, people will look at this blog strangely and you will be put in the same category as those people long ago who looked down on reading.
I have followed this principle with our 4 year old and her sweet tooth, but last week it was taken out by the dentist (she’s now missing a molar that wont come in till she is 10) Today we did two crowns on the other side. So I dont know what to think anymore I want to respect her wishes to eat what, when. But I am also feeling guilty for her going through all this dental work and deferring to my husband who has started strictly controlling sugar intake.
It brings up a larger question that I still struggle with in parenting unschool style. Certain things being addictive IE sugar, computer. Arent you irresponsible to not limit them when your child has shown a complete inability to limit themselves? When being on the computer up to 12 hours a day can potentially negatively affect their health? (This is our 10 year old) Sigh We are expecting a third next month so I know I will be at this for a long time yet! And I sincerely want to understand what is best for my children.
Hi Elicia!
Thanks for your comments. Kudos to you for really wrestling with these issues. There’s no simple, one-size-fits-all answer. Each of us need to really think through what works best for our own families, taking into account our own biases and fears as well as other factual information we gather.
Regarding dental health, I can tell you that all four of my children have the same food freedom. However, the three oldest have excellent teeth (they’re 10, 10 and 13 and only have 2 cavities between the three of them). My youngest, however, began developing cavities at an early age. Interestingly, one of my 10-year old twins consumes FAR more sugar than my youngest. I found this baffling, and asked my dentist if she could account for it. She replied that tooth decay has a lot to do with what kinds of bacteria populate the mouth; certain types promote much more decay. Clearly, my youngest daughter’s “population” differs from her siblings. Therefore, we have to be more diligent. Rather than limiting her sugar intake, we are more proactive with her about rinsing, brushing, chewing some sugar-free gum etc. immediately after she eats something sugary. We’ve also looked into natural ways to reverse tooth decay and help change the bacteria in her mouth.
To address your larger question: again, we must take our individual children into account. Anything (whether it’s screen time, sugar, or even seemingly “good” things like reading or exercise) can be taken to an unhealthy extreme. Learning balance and moderation is key. I believe it is my role as a parent to help my children develop that. Mostly, I choose to do this through intentional discussion and reflection with my children. Sometimes, if I feel my child needs more support than this, I will provide some boundaries or limits. Here’s an example:
I have one child who functions perfectly well with no computer limits at all. She’s really good at finding a balance for herself. We check in occasionally about the varied ways she chooses to spend her time. I can see she’s self-regulating well.
I have another child who is still working toward finding a healthy balance when it comes to screen time – and he tends to be affected negatively when he’s out of balance in this area. He forgets to eat, isolates himself from family and friends, has trouble sleeping, and gets really out of sorts. He is still in need of our guidance in terms of finding a good balance. In his case, my husband and I work closely with him to help him understand what balance looks like, to recognize the signs of being out of balance, and to monitor how he is feeling. Sometimes this means limiting his screen time. Sometimes it means giving him a few weeks of unlimited screen time, coupled with multiple check-ins so he can begin to learn how to self-regulate. It always involves a lot of intentionality and discussion!
For me, unschooling does not mean unlimited everything. That’s not real life! Maintaining balance, choosing moderation, and self-regulating are skills we need throughout our lives. I would be doing my child a disservice if I did not facilitate their development of those skills. We can try to help a child learn self-regulation in lots of ways, many of which fit with unschooling philosophy.
I think of this unschooling journey as a bit like driving a car. Even when you’re heading straight toward your goal, you’ve got to constantly make small adjustments with the steering wheel, or it’s easy to get way off course. Don’t look at those course-corrections as indications of failure, but as a sign that you are doing what’s necessary to stay the course.
I wish you and your family the very best!
-Nicole
Eeeek!!! I didn’t know this was actually a thing! I sort of do this with my kid right now (I was A LOT like Faith, and maybe still am, and I see it in my son too) but struggle with conventions about “eating all your veggies,” etc. All it does cause stress, fights, and defiance. My main concern is that I don’t make great food choices myself…maybe it’s a good path for us to follow as a family!
Hi Rachael!
So many of us moms and dads have food struggles of our own! I find that the more I think about food freedom for my children, the more opportunities I have to make new choices for myself. Everybody wins! Best of luck to you and yours!
-Nicole
thank you so much for your words! I’m at the stage you write of where I’m reading food stories to reassure me that this approach works as my daughter munches on chocolate! It’s really reassuring to hear.
I’m so glad you found this post reassuring! I think one of the best ways unschoolers support one another is by sharing our stories. So much of what we do is different from “mainstream” practice, so it can be hard to get a sense of the long view. Reading stories from parents who had been doing this a while was so helpful for me, too – and still is!
Hi Nicole, I was also wondering? How long did the deschooling food process take?
It was different for each of my children – from a few months to more than a year.