Last week, my children were in grave danger.
My daughter Katy narrowly escaped a conniving villain hiding in the woods, looking to snatch small children off the path and into his lair.
Maggie lost her balance while standing on tree stump, and very nearly bashed her skull on a nearby boulder.
Thomas could easily have drowned when he impulsively climbed a suspiciously rickety branch overhanging a stream.
And I’m pretty sure all of us were just a hair’s breadth ahead of a band of marauders who make their living jumping vulnerable moms as they walk along wooded paths with their unsuspecting children.
And that was just one afternoon!
If you’d had asked my children about that day, however, you might have gotten a very different picture.
Katy would have reflected on how wonderful it was to lead the way along the path, showing me a special spot she and Daddy had found the week before. She’d have bubbled on about how exhilarating it was to be the one up ahead, for a change, responsible for the party following behind. And even though she may have lost sight of us for a moment or two, she always made sure to stop and let us catch up. Because that’s what leaders do.
Maggie would have pointed to the stump with pride, announcing to the world that she was finally big enough to scale it “all by MYSELF!”, which is a very big deal when you are three, and the youngest of four siblings. She would have laughed about the tumble she took, and how soft the pine needles were beneath her as she landed. She’d have asserted that next time, she wouldn’t even teeter, much less fall.
Thomas would have remarked that a fallen tree a good foot in diameter was unlikely to spontaneously splinter beneath the weight of a very lean nine-year old. He’d have mentioned that the stream looked to be quite shallow, that the spot he had rested on was less than two feet from the edge, and only about four feet from the surface. Then, with dancing eyes, he’d have pointed out the geese floating quietly on the opposite shore, and the fish leaping out of the water to catch an early supper.
I guess it depends on your perspective, eh?
Too often, my perspective is fogged by fear, skewed by scary thoughts, and warped with worry. True, there are dangers out there, and no one is immune to them all. But if I followed that thinking too far, my children would be cloistered in my home, surrounded in plastic habitat bubbles, and monitored at all times by people with life-saving medical skills.
So when I catch myself thinking those fear-filled thoughts, I remind myself that I can choose. I can choose to live an anxious life, limiting my children to keep a lid on my fears, or I can trust, let go, and let them embrace a whole, wonder-filled, awe-inspiring existence.
My children know which I choose, each time I choose. They sense it, always. I’m grateful that they call me on it…that they call me back from the prison of future-based fear; back to the present; back to BE present with them in that wonderful, scary, amazing one-of-a-kind moment.
Take that, you pesky band of marauders.
Ha! We live paralell lives! My kids have taught me (and continue to) relax, dont worry so much. My fears aren’t theirs. Amazing how they sense it too. I guess sometimes I have to trust that when they say “mom, I’m fiiiine”, that they really are. Madison, our 4th/3 yr old is the toughest of the group, alot like your Maggie! Great blog post… Happy Halloween 🙂
Thanks, Melanie! You’re exactly right 🙂
Great post, Nicole! I was consumed with fear when I had to find daycare when I first went back to work (he was 12 months old.) I’ve always tried to find that balance between fear and trust – and it hasn’t gotten any easier as he’s grown! There are just different kinds of fears. Balance isn’t easy to reach but we must strive for it so I applaud you!
Thanks so much, Alicia! 🙂
Does it help to remind you that the percentage of ‘evil’ strangers in the world is no bigger than it was in your childhood? True, there may be more in terms of absolute numbers but that’s expected if the population grows – there will also be more rescuers in absolute numbers too, though.
The only difference is you hear more about it now.
Probably not; cold hard logic is no match for fears.
Very true. I do find that comforting…but you’re right, fear is powerful, and not easy to overcome.
I don’t get all the fear-mongering about ‘not talking to strangers’ either. Umm… kids’ll be fine talking to strangers… all they have to do with said adults (not including ‘safe strangers’ e.g. paramedics) is stay just a little bit more than the adult’s arm-length away and doing whatever they need to do to preserve that (child wants to help someone find the road they should be on and adult can’t hear them so the child is told to come closer. Umm…kid, why do you think you’re capable of raising your voice?)
I’m very much a “free-range” parent. I let my daughter do pretty much anything so long as I’m there to supervise. People are amazed by her climbing abilities. Yes I do worry about her all the time, but I’d rather she was allowed to test herself and develop confidence in her abilities than not. I also hope that by letting her do the things she wants she’ll understand and appreciate that when I do say no there’s a good reason!
My partner on the other hand is completely opposite. He wants to wrap her in cotton wool and constantly frets over the things she does. As soon as I leave a room and she’s climbing things I can hear him getting irate trying to convince her to get down or she’ll hurt herself. He freaks out at some of the things I let her do, like sitting on the work surface while I cook (she’s two). Yes, she could fall, and has done a couple of times, but she probably won’t and if she does then she’ll know to be more careful in future. *sigh*
Learning to acknowledge and move past our fears as parents is definitely harder for some of us than others… it was for me 🙂