Last night I walked into the middle of a conversation between two moms. The topic: the age old dinner-time struggle. One mom was lamenting about how tired she is of hearing that her kids don’t like what she has prepared. The other mom chimed in, saying that in her house, she simply says the kitchen is closed. She works hard enough making one meal, thank you very much, and she isn’t about to make two or three just to accomodate everyone. It’s a simple choice. Eat what she made, or don’t eat. Either way is fine with her. And she won’t put up with any whining about it, either.
Now, I’m no newcomer to conversations like this. I’ve listened to plenty, and participated in more than a few. But, as a new-ish unschooler, this time I found myself incredulous and aghast. As I explored why my reaction was so strong, I realized there were several factors at play.
First, expecting our kids to eat whatever we put before them shows a lack of respect. We are in effect, saying, “Because you are small and physically incapable of preparing your own food safely, your right to eat what you enjoy is forfeit. Because I am the one preparing your food, you will eat what I deem to be nutritous and tasty. When you can make your own food, you can eat what you want. Until then, sit down, shut up, and eat what I tell you to.” Likely that is exactly what we were told as children. But this is incredible hypocrisy when we really stop to examine it.
Here’s an analogy. Suppose you go to dinner at a friend’s, and she’s made something you absolutely hate. I mean the makes-you-want-to-feed-it-under-the-table-to-the-cat kind of hate. What do you do? Well, the chances are that you will think twice about making gagging sounds and stomping away from the table, but then, you’ve had decades to practice squelching that first response. You probably won’t even say you’re not a fan so as not to make your friend feel bad. But will you eat it? Perhaps not. As the creamed peas come your way, you may just quietly pass them on to the next person. Or, just for good measure, you might scoop a small portion onto your plate and force it down with the aid of your beverage. What you certainly will not do is pile on a big old helping and get busy, which is just exactly what we expect our kids to do (in fact, we often pile on the big old helping for them).
Now, if it’s buffet style, or a large gathering where people are unlikely to notice, you might not actually eat anything at all…you might even leave it for the help to dispose of (in spite of the waste!) But are you truly practicing the “eat what you’re served or don’t eat at all” philosophy? Surely not. Because you know that on your way home from said function, you can pop through a drive-through and order up whatever your taste buds desire. You’ve got that freedom.
Let’s tweak the analogy: now you’re the one inviting guests to dinner. It pretty much goes without saying that whatever you serve, it will not be something you hate. Because we’re pretty much wired not to prepare something that disgusts us. As you put together your menu, you give your guest’s preferences some thought. Your goal is to find something that will be appetizing and enjoyable to your guest and at least palatable to you. You would never knowingly serve a vegetarian friend a steak sandwich. And good luck hanging on to that friendship, if you not only served the sandwich, but announced to your friend that she could eat it, or eat nothing, because your kitchen is closed. On the contrary, if by some chance you did prepare a carnivore’s feast for a plants-only kind of guest, and then realized your mistake, you would most likely bend over backwards to find something she could eat. You’d feel bad about it, and try to make it up to her, because her comfort and pleasure are important to you.
Unbelievably, when the above “guests” are our own children, our reaction is to treat them almost with contempt. To plan and serve foods they don’t like, and then to talk to them about it rudely and without empathy or respect. We treat them in ways that we wouldn’t dream of treating our adult friends. Why?
Are we acting on future-based fear? The worry that if little Sally is “coddled”, she will become spoiled and self-centered? Put yourself back in your own childhood shoes for a moment. How did you feel when a parent told you to suck it up and eat or go to bed hungry? Is that really what prevented you from becoming spoiled and self-centered? Isn’t it more likely that the positive behaviors you learned came from watching people you loved behave in socially responsible ways? And that the unkind interactions did more harm than good?
Or are we simply giving tit for tat? Hey, that’s the way I was raised, and I turned out fine. If it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for them. Why should I have to be a slave to my kids? How can we profess to love our children, but not hesitate to treat them cruelly because we don’t think they deserve to be raised more gently than we were?
As a mom with a Christian faith, one more thing troubles me. Jesus himself modeled tenderness and respect for children. When his followers were busy trying to shut them up and send them away, He intervened, reproving the disciples, and warmly welcoming the children. If we profess to be followers of His teachings, shouldn’t we follow His example? If so, I’m pretty sure He’d never say to a little one depending on Him for nourishment – both physical and spiritual – “Sorry, kid. This kitchen’s closed.”
Don’t agree at all with this. The analogies do not compute.
And here’s why: children by their definition do not understand what they should eat. My daughter would just eat bagels and potato chips everyday if she had it her way. Breakfast with pancakes, toast, bagels, and waffles with absolutely no protein and way too much carbs- no problem for Chloé! Or any child. They don’t know how and why a meal needs to be balanced. I actually explain this to my daughter. But she doesn’t care. No child would care. This even goes for animals. Parents bring home the food to th babies, and they eat it. Even if they could hunt on their own, they woulnt know what to eat to make them big and strong in many cases. Or if they do it’s instinct- aomethig humans don’t seem to have nearly to the degree of animals.
So the adults who come over to your house who are vegetarians? That is their CHOICE. And since they are adults, they likely came to that decision for a variety of reasons. In the end they weighed in the pros and cons and came to the decision to not eat meat. They were able to do this becaue they are adults and understand the benefit and drawbacks of such a choice. I’m guessing any person who makes such a choice as to become a vegatarian probably are some of the more intelligent members of our culture. Not becaue they have made a good or bad choice about the meat. But just because I dont think a lesser intelligent person would even take the time to consider or care about whether they eat meat or not.
Besides none of this even matters anyway. Because when I have dinner guests, and as I see it when most people have dinner guests, they ask them what they want before hand. Who the hell goes over for dinner to someone’s house completely in the dark about what they are having. Not I. I find out beforehand and will simply not go if its something I don’t like. And if I am there and they pass me creamed peas, I’m not eating it no matter how it’s served to me. And I’ll tell them why: I don’t like creamed peas. It’s really that simple.
Although I will agree with you on a more broader problem here and that is to the tune of the poor impoverished whiney entitled mother syndrome. Single mothers are notorious for this it’s so engrained in their culture to be this way. But what you described is the married mother variety which is all too similar. Complaining about how “hard their job is” and chatting and discussing all the day to say tasks they do and how much work it all is, how ungrateful their kids are, the sacrifices they make, blah blah blah. I got the worlds tiniest violin right here and it’s playing such a sad sad tune.
Perhaps if they stopped all this self victimization, and started to figure out exactly what they want and what they are doing it might benefit all involved? More procisely if they stopped looking at something like being a parent and viewing it as a “job” but actually changed that mindset and viewed it like what it really is: a privilege, then maybe we wouldn’t hear about anymore whiney chats about closing the kitchen. Just a hunch.
Wow, Cornelius, you’re keeping me on my toes today!
First of all, I want to thank you for reading my work with a critical eye and engaging in dialogue.
Now, in response to your comments…
Regarding your statement that children by definition don’t understand what they should eat: I guess I would have to say yes and no. Certainly children need our guidance and instruction. I don’t expect my kids to just automatically know that the body burns protein more efficiently or that whole, organic foods are more nourishing than those covered in toxic insecticides. I have to share this kind of information – respectfully – if I want my kids to know it. However, even without a lot of “head knowledge”, kids are able to make well-balanced choices if they have just two things: plenty of nourishing foods along with “pure pleasure” foods, and the ability to listen to what their bodies are telling them. Unfortunately, too many kids have lost this innate ability because they’ve been told what to eat, when to eat, and how much to eat for so long that they are completely disconnected from that natural wisdom.
You express a very common concern regarding food freedom: that without strict limits, children would make terrible dietary choices, eating nothing but “junk” food all day every day. This has not been my experience with my own children. In another post, I describe the dramatic difference I saw in my daughter’s food choices once I granted her more freedom and allowed her to reconnect with her body’s signals. If you’re interested you can find that post here: https://unschoolers.org/radical-unschooling/faiths-food-story-unschooling-with-food/
I’m not alone in finding that giving children more dietary freedom results in healthy, well-balanced eaters. Many unschoolers have written about similar experiences. Dayna Martin, Joyce Fetterol and Sandra Dodd all share stories about the benefits of food freedom.
Here is my absolute favorite part of your comment: “…if they stopped looking at something like being a parent and viewing it as a “job” but actually changed that mindset and viewed it like what it really is: a privilege, then maybe we wouldn’t hear about anymore whiney chats about closing the kitchen. Just a hunch.”
Amen to that! Parenting can be challenging, for sure. But our perspective makes all the difference. When we view the vocation of raising our children as a privilege, it transforms our interactions with them in powerful ways. Thank you so much for that beautiful reminder!
wow, not only are you a fantastic mother, but your skills at diplomacy are second-to-none! I would have deleted Cashdollar’s comment and not even tried to enter into a dialogue about it!
I’m loving your blog, and feeling really fired up about unschooling. Even the term “unschooling” does this way of life an injustice, it should be about what it IS, not what it ISN’T!
Thank you for your kind words, Niahm! I’m so glad you’re excited about unschooling. You express a common sentiment about the name; it doesn’t capture all that unschooling IS…and it truly IS so very much!
Take good care,
Nicole
Hey mama! So, as I’m reading this there is soup on the table that one of two children will eat. I’d love to have the resources to buy what everyone enjoyed for each meal. We are grain-free…pretty much, so it limits what uncooked foods are available. If they don’t eat what is prepared here, then they can either have raw veggies or wait until the next meal. I completely understand what you are saying and the underlying message – kids are not slaves or without feelings. They are people. However, they are not guests in our home…they live here and are members of the family. While I would bend over backward to accomodate a guest once or twice a year, I cannot do that three-five times a day. Sometimes I do thing I really don’t want to do because it’s for them. I do have a choice, but how are they going to get to their 9:30 am class without me? We all make sacrifices and can’t have our way the whole time in a family. There are definitely times where I’ll buy one child the clams and squid he covets, but I cannot do that each day. Sometimes he can’t have his way. Not to teach him a lesson or to give him strength of character, but simply because I made a cheap soup for the family because it’s the day before grocery shopping day and the possibilities are limited, or because I needed to have a crockpot meal ready because we weren’t home all day. As I type this, I have two very grumpy kids because they expect me to bake a chicken, roast some potatoes and buy a loaf of bread – NOW. Literally, one just punched the couch. At least it wasn’t his brother, right? xo
Hey you photo-taking super-mama!
I hear you! We’re not running 5-star restaurants here, where everybody gets to put in an order for their favorite gourmet meal. We can’t always accommodate everybody’s first choice! But I think our attitude and approach can make or break meal times.
There are definitely times when hearing my children pronounce that the meal I’ve just prepared is “Gross!” or “Disgusting!!” is a bit disheartening (that’s a polite way of saying it really ticks me off!), and I’m tempted to show my aggravation by launching into a defense. But I find that my kids really aren’t ready to hear how tough it is to be ME in those moments – they’re still focused on how tough it is to be THEM.
When I find myself feeling resentful like that, the first thing I try to do is travel back in my mind to the times in my childhood when I happily strolled up the dinner table only to find my arch-nemesis, Noodles Alfredo, grinning evilly up at me from my plate. In an instant, all of my expectations for a pleasant meal were dashed, and life barely seemed worth living (at least until breakfast time, when with any luck, there’d be pancakes – but I digress.)
Anyway, accessing those childhood feelings allows me to connect with my own kids. I can truly mean it when I tell them I’m sorry they’re disappointed, that I know what that feels like. That in itself goes a long way.
When I can, I compassionately offer an alternative we can both live with. Something quick and easy. I try to focus on whatever aspect of the meal they need to replace (a protein? a fruit or vegetable?) and then make suggestions. Sometimes it’s as simple as a spoonful of sunbutter to replace the baked chicken, or some carrot sticks instead of the broccoli. If it’s the whole meal they hate, I try to find a simple meal to replace it with: a sandwich, maybe, or something from the freezer that I can easily reheat.
Of course there are times that there literally are no other good alternatives (mainly because I detest food shopping and always wait until the eleventh hour!) But even then, my kids are more likely to resign themselves to eating what we’ve got, because they know I’d do more if I could. When the bulk of their experiences tell them “Mom really tries to work with me here” it’s easier for them to be accepting of the times it just isn’t going to happen.
Two other things I do:
Lots of checking in: I ask each of my kids what kinds of easy meal replacements they’d enjoy, and then I try to keep those on hand. Thomas’s fall back is eggs, so I make sure we’ve got them. Maggie will happily eat a cheese stick if she’s not wild about the meat I’m serving, so I try to keep them in stock. I also ask them to tell me their favorite meals and the things they hate periodically, because it definitely changes. Lastly, when I’m heading to the store, I ask them what they’d like me to try to include, and I get it if it fits into the budget.
Deep breathing and rethinking: Ted and I have a very different diet from our children. Ted eats mainly raw, and I’m mostly meat and grain free. But our foods don’t always appeal to my kids. Their bodies may require different foods, and their taste buds are in a different stage of development than ours are. For them, some gluten free mac & cheese is a delight. Or frozen organic chicken nuggets. Or cereal. So I’ve learned to be more peaceful about letting their diet look different from mine. Foods to which someone is allergic or intolerant are really the only ones I don’t allow. The rest I try to be open-minded about, trusting that as their palates become more sophisticated, the list of foods they enjoy will expand. Meanwhile, they see us enjoying our food, which we are always happy to let them try. Now my kids will ask to try something – even if they haven’t liked it in the past – just to see “if my mouth changed”. And sometimes, it has!
Well, that was a super-lengthy response to your comment 🙂 I guess the main idea is connection: truly empathizing with our kids when they’re disappointed, making an honest effort to accomodate them without overextending ourselves, and communicating. Even then, it’s not all roses! But it sure helps!
Take good care!
-Nicole
I thought of this when I was in the middle of making dinner, actually, I had just begun. The kids already started with “When’s dinner ready?” and “I’m hungry”. I told them they could have a vegetable. They ate one, then started again. One asked for yogurt and all I could think was “great, now they’re not going to eat dinner” – forgetting that their stomachs are seemingly always empty or heading that way. Then I thought, “wait, this is what we were talking about. It’s not going to kill them to not eat dinner and eat something else healthy. Am I really making them wait to eat ribs when they want a coconut yogurt? And why am I keeping them from eating in the first place…they’re hungry.” So, I let them eat whatever – yogurt, grapes, radishes (odin eats them plain and whole, like a carrot). Some ate dinner and some didn’t. But no one was crying or complaining or yelling.
And I think Faith is a lot like Odin…or was. He’s my carb kid. He has resorted to stealing food. He stole 3 of Eli’s lollipops from Halloween because he finished all his candy and Eli still had a few things left. He ate them all in his room and left the sticks and wrappers on the floor. The other day was Eli’s birthday and he got a whoopie pie from Twist. Odin chose a scone. Eli didn’t finish his dessert and put it in the fridge for the next day. Odin finished his scone. The next morning he snuck into the fridge and took some. Not all, but some. there was a crumb trail…across the floor and on his face. I don’t deny them sweets…but we’re mostly grain-free. We do oats, rice, corn …and Twist. They are more than welcome to have anything in the house. And we generally don’t do desserts after dinner or anything. I’m trying to figure out a way to help his need for control over food without being controlling…make sense? I’m getting him allergy tested in a week to see what exactly he can and cannot have. But it’s my belief that grains are just bad for the system anyway, so I don’t want to overload him with them. Suggestions?! 🙂
I know just how you feel…how do we support our children’s desire for control without giving up too much of our own? Finding that balance is tricky, for sure.
When I was just starting to think about this, Dayna made a suggestion to me that really helped. She basically said don’t feel like you have to go right out and get all kinds of stuff that’s going to give you conniptions to watch them eat. Find things that you can be pretty comfortable with. Live with that for a while, and see where it takes you.
For me, it was going from having almost no sweets to keeping the freezer stocked with 100% juice popsicles. That still felt fairly healthy to me, and it was just the right distance out of my “comfort zone” for me to be able to be pretty okay with it.
So I’d pass on the same advice. Don’t try to be okay with stuff you’re truly uncomfortable with. Brainstorm what kinds of foods would feel like indulgences to him, and choose the ones you can live with. At first, it really helped Faith to have her share of the food in her own little bag or container marked with her name. That way she didn’t have to worry that someone else would get to it before she could. We did the same with the other kids, and talked about respecting each other’s things. But I also really tried to make sure Faith felt there was an abundance of food, so she didn’t need to turn to food belonging to someone else.
Knowing what foods are “safe” also helped, although I didn’t completely ban the foods to which my kids had only moderate intolerance. Instead, we mindfully experimented with those foods, letting the kids eat them sometimes and then really thinking/talking about how it made them feel, and explaining what “intolerance” and “allergy” meant.
Finally, I tried to be really mindful of what was causing me distress, and why. Sometimes, I realized that I could be a little more relaxed than my initial reaction – other times, I knew I couldn’t. But either way, it helped to think through how I was feeling.
Let me know if I can support you in any way on your journey!
Take good care!
-Nicole
So I see this has been out here a long time but was so happy to see this. I’m a single mother raising 2 children on my own 24/7. I have a 13 yo girl and a 6 (tomorrow) yo boy. We three all eat differently. My daughter likes all foods: meat, dairy, veggies, fruits and grains, all except fish really. My son and I are dairy free and meat free except fish. The younger tastes most meals which is all I ask of him and then finishes each day with a healthy pbj. He nibbles all day on fruits and veggies and beans and nuts usually with a bowl of cereal thrown in. The older eats what I make (frequently because it is easier for her because she never knows what she wants) and understands that at home there won’t be meat but On occasion i wikk make her her favourite dishes like homemade mac and cheese for her dinners and lunches. When we eat out she gets to order what she wants but I’m proud of the fact that at 13 she is making healthier decisions all on her own. They do learn. At 13 she is understanding healthy fats and GMO and organic. I can come out and find her eating carrots with homemade dip for a snack. Allowing children to make their own food choices (with guidance) really does teach them how to make their own food choices. Even my 6 yo given a choice between juice and water will pick water or between an apple and chips will pick an apple. I’m sorry if this seems rambling but in writing on an iPod and can’t see what I wrote lol. Just thank you and I’m glad I ran into this. – Liah
Thank you so much for sharing your family’s experiences, Liah! 🙂
food struggles are hard. but I also think that food is a commodity we have and not everybody on this planet is that lucky that can call a healthy soup for dinner gross just because it is not cake and ice cream….
Jesus of course would respect and love everybody no matter size age and gender. He fed thousands of people. Can you imagine if they came back to Him: I hate his fish, I’m vegetarian or I cannot bread…
when I grew up in an other country in an other era, I don’t remember any of this food problems, we had our least favorite foods, but most of the time we just ate what we got, we played all day and we were hungry, we loved eating, we shared food with neighbor kids, at school, all our food was made from scratch with fresh mostly homegrown ingredients, I saw my grandmother making it all, feeding your family is a way to express your love and care, or at least one of my ways, my love language,
I treat food as my grandma did, and I make fresh meal every day, so making a whole restaurant menu is not possible, my kids would eat it, but some days are more picky and I think their taste buds are changing constantly, and that is really hard, because of course every mother wants to prepare foods her kids like, so I’m not going to make foods I know they hate, but often the things they liked last week, they don’t want it this week, so that is when my triggering point starts…..I also think too many choices make kids confused. and man don’t they have an overload of choices in everything?
I recently read this book about how French kids eat their food, Raising up bebe….it was eye opening.. I like a lots of things about unschooling but there are some things just don’t click with me…. and this is one of them: I want to spend with the kids instead of being a food prepare all day,,, and that means if they don’t like what I made they are free to throw a fit but I’m not cooking an other meal…. they need to learn to compromise
I love the picture you paint of your childhood; how being satisfying hunger is a joy in itself, how social the whole act is, from growing the ingredients to having the food prepared by someone you love, to sharing with your friends. Lovely!
I completely agree with you that it is hard to keep up with changing tastebuds; that happens here, too: I’ll offer something one of my kids asked for a week ago and suddenly she can’t stand it, and I think “Am I going crazy, or did she not absolutely love this three days ago when I bought it?”
I also agree with your point about not wanting to raise kids who have no sense of gratitude for what they are given. I want my children to have a sense of the work – and the love – that went into what I’ve prepared for them.
I do think, though, that sometimes the attitude with which we handle their likes/dislikes can sometimes be less than respectful. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I know this isn’t your favorite meal, but it’s all we have tonight,” probably feels very different to a child than “Hey, if you don’t like it, don’t eat it.”
Cooking separate meals is often not a viable or desirable option for families – mine included. But I’m usually willing to put out some bread and a jar of peanut butter and jelly – which is usually enough to keep everybody happy 🙂
( i am 9 yrs. old lol)
anyway, heres my opinion: Children change their tastebuds all the time. its a natural thing of life. So if you have a problem, blame it on growth, not us. but when your kids are chanting for cookies, warning: DO NOT GIVE THE COOKIES. a hard day at work may be an excuse for frozen chicken nuggets a few times, but not every day. instead, ask them what kind of food they like and dislike and put these foods on a list.
then, try to serve these foods once or twice a week. this way, you can keep these foods in the fridge beforehand. if they decide they started liking or not liking foods, leave the list somewhere accessible. now for another pressing issue: School. this may not be a problem for homeschoolers, but still. you can’t keep an eye on your children every second of the day, so kids can go all unhealthy. for instance: your child can be on a no-dessert diet, but go to school and get candy from a friend. i actually have no idea how to solve this problem, but i want you to be aware of it. once i saw a website called 100 days of real food. i saw kids eating vegetables with humungous smiles on their faces, but if you have seen my little brother eat foods like that, you wouldn’t find much of a smile. but still i recommend this site because it has some pretty good recipes. well, for me, anyway.
hope this helped! 🙂
This is something I am struggling with right now. I want to be more relaxed about food choices for my 5 year old. We tend to eat organic and healthy foods – made from scratch – I even learned to make chocolate from grinding beans to get a shiny chocolate bar! Though from my own personal experience of my childhood, I was allowed to eat a bag or doritos for dinner and McDonalds and candy and whatever because I was so thin and my mom thought it was better to get anything into me. SO I would eat until I got nausea and then vomit and continue eating!!! YUP no kidding. I was a food machine. I suffered from candida from a young age until my 20s, had a host of intestinal issues an constipation and how I didn’t develop diabetes is a wonder. Oh and 1 had 10 cavities before my 10th bday. Now my mama was an excellent cook and I loved her food but i liked processed food better. And as a small child, I was so obsessed with candies that I would steal it whenever i couldn’t get my folks to buy it. Sugar addicted??? You bet.
Of course my child is not me and I don’t want to project my worries, therefore I am reading up on lots of other points of views but I am somewhat terrified of my son having to deal with the issues I really “suffered” with for more than a decade. We don’t keep lots of sweets in the house – definitely no candy, but when he goes to anyones house or sees it on the playground he begs and pleads for it. Some fellow mamas I know tell me its cause Im depriving him but he does get to eat sweets. Its just that their kids tend to stop when they are full or don’t really have a sweet tooth but my boy really does.
Any suggestions or recommendations for me?
Thanks again for a great site 🙂
Thanks for sharing your own journey along with your question! Certainly each child is different. Much of the reading I have done suggests that the majority of children will eventually make good food choices if given food freedom. This has been the case with my own four children, although it is definitely a process, and there are periods where my children are making choices that make me cringe (right now my 14-year old is on a fruit and vegetable hiatus!) I think you are wise to be very aware of your own worries and to spend time thinking through how those fears might be impacting your own attitudes or actions. I also think that you can draw from your past experiences to help guide your children. I tend to be an emotional eater, and I see this same tendency in one of my daughters. I’ve initiated some general, not-too-heavy conversations with her about being aware of why she is eating…is she bored? hungry? upset? wanting to celebrate? etc.
I also work with all my children to be mindful of how they feel while they are eating and afterward (for example, my son has discovered that there are certain foods that make him feel lousy, so he’s decided to avoid them…at least most of the time!)
Over the years, I have given them general information that will be helpful as they become more independent in preparing their own food: we talk about such things as choosing protein for a slow-burning, longer-lasting energy, carbs for a quick burst of energy etc. We spent time discovering the amazing ways different fruits and vegetables protect and promote health in various organs.
Finally, I work hard to keep lots of delicious options on-hand; some “junk” and some “healthy” to allow them to explore the delights of many different kinds of food.
I wish you much success as you continue the journey!
Thank you so much for your reply, I appreciate your time.
I am accepting my mama task is patience and trust. and education when he is receptive to it 🙂 I also think I am maybe expecting way too much from him.