Today I witnessed a heart-wrenching scene. Three year old Stella was being dropped off to a child-care class for the morning. Her mother was attending a week-long event for moms, and Stella had been placed in a small class with other preschool age children and several loving adults. The morning was packed with appealing activities led by dedicated adults. Nevertheless, each morning, Stella had some difficulty separating from her mother. Today was the fifth and last day, and apparently, the final staw for Stella.
She simply fell to pieces as her mother departed. A teacher picked her up, but Stella did not want to be held. She did not want to be taken to her classroom, and she gripped anything she could get hold of in order to prevent it. The teacher peeled her little hands off of railings and doorways as Stella’s cries became shrieks of anguish. She became so difficult to carry that the teacher had to sit down on the floor and hold on to her. She sobbed for her mother, tensely rigid, trying desperately to escape. At one point she nearly threw up. In the end it took four different adults about ten minutes to calm her.
It upset everyone…the adults trying to soothe her (although they remained outwardly calm), the passers-by, my two-year old who couldn’t take her eyes off of Stella – and me. Not that I haven’t seen such scenes before. But today, as an unschooling mom, it really got me thinking…
Why on earth would we do this to a child?
There are several answers, and they are not hard to figure out. The most powerful motivator is our acceptance of the conventional wisdom that tells us all children experience separation anxiety, but that it is necessary for them to experience it. We are instructed that the best way for parents to help children to move through separation anxiety is to remain calm, cheerful and confident that the child will be fine. We are told to say a fairly quick goodbye, send the message that we are certain they will be okay, remind them we will be back, and then move on out. Sort of like ripping a band-aid off; get it over with quick and decisively. Conventional wisdom assures us that our children will benefit from this approach, even the ones who fall apart at first. Teachers reassure us that after a bit the children calm down and have a good time.
The second motivator is a future-based fear. We worry that if we don’t help our little ones learn to separate easily, then we will cripple them. We believe that if a child is not “pushed from the nest” a bit then he will never get comfortable separating from us. That teen-age Billy will be attached at the hip, missing out on all kinds of opportunities. That twenty year-old Brittney will end up living at home forever, terrified by the idea of independence. Of course we don’t want this to happen! We want the best for our children, and are willing to do whatever it takes, even if it’s hard or counter-intuitive.
The third motivator is also fear-based. We worry about how we appear to other adults. We’ve seen the parents who linger at drop-off time, torn by their desire to do what they’ve been taught is right, and their desire to rush over and comfort their children. We know parents who won’t leave their kid with a babysitter. And we know how most of them are labeled: overprotective parents. The overwhelming majority of parents believe what convetional wisom has told them. Parents who do not buy into it are seen in a negative light. It can be hard to stand up to that kind of judgement, especially when it’s coming from educators and “experts”.
So we ignore our own inner wisdom, the instinct we all have when we hear our child sobbing for us not to leave: to run back, scoop that child up and comfort her. We turn away, with a cheerful, “I’ll be back soon, honey. I know you’ll have a good time!” surreptitiously wiping away our own tears as soon as we’re out of sight. We allow our hearts to break a little each time, shoring ourselves up with the belief that we are doing what’s best. But is it?
The Unschooler Approach…
Talk to radical unschooling parents who didn’t push their kids into separating before they were ready, and you’ll often find those kids turned out just fine. Children learn to walk, talk, wean, and stay dry through the night at their own individual pace. Some will master these skills sooner than others, and yes, some will need some extra help along the way. But eventually, they all get there.
Similarly, children develop their sense of independence at their own pace. Research shows that a child first must be “securely attached” to a parent. Secure attachment means a child is totally confident in his connection with his parents. The securely attached child will then experience – on an instinctual level- the need for independent exploration. When left to nature, this works out beautifully. Meddling with it because we no longer believe it works causes unnecessary heartache at best, and erodes the trust between parents and children. At its worst, it can actually truamatize a child so badly that we produce exactly what we were trying to avoid: a child who is terrified of leaving us.
I so agree with this. I use Autumn to talk about it all the time. She is bubbly 9 year old who will engage anyone in conversation and interacts well with all ages. She runs her own business and conducts herself better than most adults at craft fairs. As an introvert, I am amazed by her. However at 3, she hid behind my legs, wouldn’t talk to relatives until she had spent a good half hour on my lap observing them and was generally “shy”. Everyone told me homeschooling would never work for her because she would never talk to people. They were so wrong. Keeping her close to me allowed her to blossom. Those who knew her when she was 3, often are surprised when they run into her now.
That was our experience with Thomas as well. Allowing him to separate at his own pace allowed him to develop into a friendly, confident boy. I remember Autumn from Life Rocks… and “shy” is certainly not an adjective I would have chosen to describe her! Kudos to you for following your own heart’s wisdom and providing her with a safe, loving environment in which she could blossom!
Thank you so much for this post, and i’m so delighted and relieved to have found your blog. my son is now 4, and has been AP’d from day one. I had to leave him three afternoons a week from the ages of 3 months to 3 years, and though he was with my parents he still had such a hard time when i left, and so did i. it never get easier. i realised that it was eroding his trust in me, to be so attached the rest of the time, but three times a week to be leaving him upset was not fair. i had my second son and left work. we are managing okay financially, but the reward of just being with my sons is amazing. my elder son still has separation anxiety, and doesn’t even like being left with his dad, and i keep questioning did my working leave some lasting issues with him. i’m so glad to read this article and see other parents “giving in” to the nature of the child and respecting their neediness. it won’t be forever, and why should we push them away before they’re ready?
Thank you so much for your comment! I’m glad you found this post helpful! Regardless of our parenting style, I believe our children come into this world with their own temperaments. Some will find separation easier than others. Honoring their timetable whenever possible is such a gift. But try not to get stuck in guilt if there were times that you didn’t. Children are resilient, especially when our relationship with them is close and connected.
In the new book I have coming out, A Pair of Sparkly Sneakers:A Mother’s Journey to Inner Wisdom, I share my own story about separating from my son (among other things). It took me five years to learn what you already have, and yes, my son did struggle to overcome the pain of those years. But once our connection was restored, the healing began.
I KNOW your son will eventually get to the place where he happily, confidently leaves your side, secure in the knowledge that you will soon be together again.
Take good care!
-Nicole
I came across this in looking for info to help my 3 yr old. He started preschool at a wonderful place this fall. He will be 4 in January. My older 2 boys both went to this school (at a Methodist Church), including kindergarten. We know and trust the staff, they all have known my 3 yr old since birth. BUT, he is just having a hard time going to PK 2 days a week. At first he was fine, but it started a few weeks in where he cries, refuses to get dressed, or go inside. I’ve had the staff come get him recently, but he still cries on the way in the car and tells me how sad his is and how much he will miss me. I know all the conventional wisdom you mentioned here. I had similar issues with my oldest and at 3 followed said wisdom. I still have some issues with him now, and I wonder if it goes back to that. He never adjusted to PK. I have also noticed more behavior problems at home with my 3 yr old since he started school. I am wondering now if leaving him when he has so clearly expressed his sadness does more harm than good, even if he calms down and enjoys the day (and he tells me when I pick him up what a great day he had and how he loves the staff). In the moment of dropping him off, though, he can’t remember those feelings, he only has the sad ones. My gut says to give him more time to avoid him feeling betrayal each morning at dropoff. That feeling is real to him even if it is shortlived. Thoughts?
Hi Rachel,
I can very much relate to your experience. My youngest attended preschool last year, at her request. She really wanted to go – but she wasn’t quite ready to let go of home. The school she attended was very flexible and open, so we decided that at first, Maggie would attend with “Nan” (my mother, to whom she’s very close). My mom was there to touch base when she needed it. It didn’t take long for Maggie to “release” Nan and go on her merry way. The key was that it was done at her own pace. She wasn’t rushed in her process of getting comfortable.
This may not work for every parent – or every school, but if the idea of not rushing a child’s process of separating is the starting point, there are many ways to accomplish that.
I wish you and your little one the best!
Take good care,
Nicole