One of my husband’s biggest struggles has been how dramatically different the unschooling philosophy is from the way he was raised. The parenting style he grew up with was very much the authoritarian model. In his early adulthood, Ted fully embraced this all-too-common style of parenting. It was all he knew.
As we discovered radical unschooling and peaceful parenting, Ted had a lot of rethinking to do. How could he make sense of a philosophy so foreign to his own experiences?
One of the many things I truly admire about my husband is his unflagging determination to continue to grow and learn. As he explored this radical shift in parenting – from dictator to partner – he has made some really insightful observations, which I’m so excited to share here on unschoolers.org.
I Don’t Speak Kid by Ted Olson
I discovered a profound truth recently. It occurred while I was asking my kids to brush their teeth. They didn’t. They didn’t even listen. Why? I don’t speak kid.
My language and expectations come from the well-known and ever-prevalent top-down, authoritative, might-is-right approach. Go brush your teeth. Why? Because you need to. It’s that time. I said so. What my kids hear: blah, blah, blah!
Kids speak a different language – a better one. It’s focused on the now. It’s spontaneous. It’s relational. It’s magical. It’s creative. It’s fun. My kids will be having a ball with a piece of string, some scotch tape, and an old shoe. What do I do? I walk in and say, “STOP! Go brush your teeth!”
Why don’t my kids listen to me? I don’t speak their language.
Might-is-right language presumes a lot. Saying “go brush your teeth” is actually a command. Think about it. I don’t know many people who like to be commanded. Led, included, yes. Commanded, not so much.
These days, I’m not so concerned about getting my kids to listen to me. Rather, I’m more interested in thinking outside of the might-is-right culture and mentality. It’s a different mindset than most are used to. One that can be difficult to envision, let alone put into practice. But it can be done.
In addition to being an unschooling dad, Ted is the voice behind HolisticFaith.com, where he writes about religion, faith, spirituality and life.
i love reading all of your blogs & nicoles too …but this left me hanging … how do you get them to brush their teeth w/o just saying ‘stop what you are doing & go brush those teeth !!!!’ i need advise in this department 🙂
That’s such a great question, I think we’ll write a whole post about it! Not that I can imagine S. ever giving you a hard time…he’s always so laid back over here 🙂
I’m so glad you guys had a great time at the conference. We had loads of fun at the Northwestern one, too. I was worried that Jerry would stay in our hotel room the entire time but he ventured out and made lots of friends. I’m kind of like you I like to hang back and watch and listen so I feel like I could have made more of an effort to meet people but it was so overwhelming! I did end up meeting a few terrific families though and am looking forward to keeping in touch with them. I’m still hoping we’ll make it to Live and Learn as well. So maybe we’ll see you there. []
I have discussed expectations with with a number of other parents. I also mentioned it in the Master Plan of Education. I grew up in a home where the expectations were low but the demands were high. An example of this was that one of my older brothers failed an early grade in school before I was born. From that point on we were all expected to fail in school. It was insisted that we do well, but the sense was there that we wouldn’t do well. Partly due to shyness and insecurity, I was someone who had no problem reading silently in grade one, yet stumbled badly when reading out loud. When the second last report card of the year came home the parental response led me to believe that I was going to fail which exacerbated the problem. They did almost fail me even though I was one of the best readers in the class. When it came time to read aloud, I was a nervous wreck.
What a wonderful website! As for brushing teen, I like what Ted said about kids/people not wanting to be commanded, but wanting to be included. “Would you like to brush teeth with us?” is one way to invite rather than command. And if it’s a “family teeth brushing party” where we all squeeze into the bathroom and make funny faces in the mirror, we usually all want to be invited for that! 🙂
I love this! I think we may just have to have a family tooth brushing party at our house…wonderful idea!! 🙂