Parents and teachers who defend the use of control without reservation…see the world in dichotomous terms: either you are controlling or you are permissive; either you crack down hard or you let your kids get away with anything.  To devise flexible and reasonable rules for children, preferably by working with them to solve problems rather than imposing these rules on them, is very different from control on the one hand and a laissez-faire approach on the other.

-Alfie Kohn, from Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes