In his book How Children Fail, John Holt discusses the damaging messages that schools and teachers send to children. There are a lot of them, but one really resonated with me, because it described my own experience. Here’s what Holt has to say:
What teachers most reward is not knowledge and understanding but the appearance of them.
He goes on to describe how the most savvy students come to look upon school as something of a racket – a system to be beaten. He did not mention, however, another very real result of rewarding the appearance of mastery rather than the real McCoy: Imposter Syndrome.
Most of us have probably experienced it at one time or another: that feeling that you really have no business doing what you’re doing, or leading what you’re leading, or accepting that award you’re being given. That if people could actually see the real you, they’d realize you had no idea what the heck you were doing, and you were really just a big fat poser. Sadly, that was my experience in school from very early on, and it continued to be the case all the way through.
On paper I was an excellent student. My grades were always high – even in subjects I didn’t really understand. I’ll never forget slogging my way through a discrete math class, never really understanding the why of what I was doing, anxious every time a test came along. But I aced every exam and got an A in the course. It wasn’t the only one. I left high school with a shaky foundation, at best, in most every subject.
No one had any idea.
Graduating second in my class made me look like quite a “brain”. I received all kinds of honors and awards. Yet I was constantly plagued by a vague sense that I didn’t deserve the fuss. People chalked it up to false humility, or maybe low self-esteem and paid no attention to my protests that I could name at least a dozen of my classmates who were smarter than I was.
Because I truly believed that a good grade equaled learning success, I became hyper-focused on earning those good grades. I was good at memorization, and that served me well at test time. Sadly, memorizing math formulas or scores of historical events did nothing to deepen my understanding of the material. My quest for good grades also made me reluctant to take risks – such as trying out a challenging course – because it might mess with my grade point average.
For a long time I couldn’t figure out why I felt like a total fake in spite of my high grades. Finally, as an adult, I’ve come to realize that I knew on some level that my appearances didn’t reflect my actual understanding. I sensed the disconnect long before I could articulate it.
Unschooled children don’t experience this disconnect. They have the freedom to pursue what they want, making connections and deepening their understanding at their own pleasure and pace. Since there are no grades dangling in front of them like the proverbial carrot and stick, unschoolers learn for learning’s sake. They learn because they want to – because they are fascinated and passionate. They learn as a side effect of living life in the real world. An unschooler’s life is one of authenticity.
This topic/book is “funny” in the sense that my family’s idea of doing well in life was doing well in school. The idea of being a good student, getting good grades, earning as many degrees as possible, and keeping your eye on the prize of ???? once you “finished” school. That idea back fired big time for me and it seems as if my sister is experiencing the same “let down”. Like the writer, I too graduated top of my class and went on to earn a BS and MA. I was ABD with the doctorate. Can I tell you not finishing the dissertation is the equivalent to cursing my whole family and living in a cave. It is not fair, but it was the best my parents could do given that they were not given the opportunities I had due to early marriage and poverty. I find myself as a mother of two young children angry at time because I constantly battle current and childhood message from my parents regarding the importance of education (public) and socialization. The believe that my daughter and young son CANNOT receive a quality education at home. (My doctorate was in Educational Leadership with a specialization in Curriculum and Instruction.) I do believe I am more qualified than most public school teachers to assist my children with navigating their educational interests. I still struggle with side comments and out right attacks from my family regarding my choice to educate my children at home. I am happy to have others who support my desire to provide a quality educational environment free of activities that often equal busy work.
It’s amazing how much we have to battle against those inner voices trained into us from childhood and beyond – not to mention the actual voices of critical people in the present. I think choosing this way of life is an act of courage; continuing to stand strong in your convictions is another.
It’s helpful to me to keep in mind that sometimes the criticism is coming from a place of genuine concern or even fear. Acknowledging that helps me to move from feeling or acting defensive to educating. After all, this philosophy is a major shift from the mainstream, and changing one’s thinking is a process – even for the most open-minded.
Hang in there; you’re not alone!!