The unschooling life is a wonderful fit for our family, and I can’t imagine taking a different path. BUT, just because it’s the right thing doesn’t mean it’s always the EASY thing. Having my children home with me presents some unique challenges, and I’m not going to pussyfoot around that.
In the past, I’ve reflected upon my children’s personalities, temperaments, and areas of giftedness. I’ve made it a point to factor this information into the way we approach our days. But in all that reflecting, I almost never included one key player: ME!
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how my unique temperament plays a role in this messy, wonderful journey we’re taking as a family. If you read my post about lawn-gazing, you’ll know I have to guard against comparing myself to others on the same path. In my less-than-successful moments, I found myself wondering why doing something I loved so much often left me feeling so worn-out. I’d look at moms who could pack ten different outings into one day and still have enough energy left over to come home and make a four-course dinner and I’d ask myself what was wrong with me. Why was it sometimes such a struggle to make it through the day?
Turns out, nothing was wrong with me.
I’m an introvert. I’m energized and recharged by having time alone. Being around people – even people I enjoy – drains me of energy. Extroverts, on the other hand, are energized by being around people (hence the moms who bounce happily into the kitchen to make dinner after a day filled with friends!)
Homeschooling as an introverted mom is a unique challenge. There’s not a lot of “alone” time – especially when the kiddos are young. I’ve had to find ways to honor my need to recharge while making sure my children’s need for social interaction is also met.
For example, I’m writing this today in a completely quiet house. My fantastic husband has taken the kids out for two whole hours. What a gift! AND he’s calling me ten minutes before they return – because there’s nothing worse for an introvert than having recharge time come to a noisy and unexpected end. It’s taken me six years of homeschooling to figure this out, but I’m getting there!
If you’re a fellow introvert on this journey, be encouraged. It takes creativity and commitment, but there are ways to get that alone time you need. Don’t beat yourself up for needing it. Don’t compare yourself to the moms who thrive on jam-packed schedules – after all, they’re simply honoring what works for them! Shouldn’t we introverts do the same?
I can fully relate 🙂 Also, when your child is an extrovert and gets her energy from being with others, this presents a unique challenge as well. Creativity is the word of the day, for sure 🙂
So true, Christy! We should start a thread on how we find that balance! 🙂
OMG we are on the same page. I didn’t realize until recently that not enough alone-time (aka being an unschooling mom) can be like kryptonite to an introvert. I reconnect with my joy, depth etc when I have uninterrupted space to myself. I am trying to ‘schedule’ it in – not easy – but it is getting better and I’m not kicking or comparing myself as much (or blaming anyone else) because I thrive on just being with me. Phew. XOxo
Hooray for you, Julie, for making that discovery! 🙂 It’s NOT easy to find those uninterrupted spaces, and it CAN be far too easy to berate ourselves for needing it. Being at peace with who we are – embracing it, even – is such a gift, not only to ourselves, but to those around us!
I love that image of not enough alone time being an introvert’s kryptonite! I’m going to remember that the next time I’m feeling all negative and martyr-ish, and hopefully it’ll be the kick-start I need to go find me some “lead.”
Oh MY!!!! the last several days i have been completely burned out, and my usually joyful, full of love, enjoyable children, have been waking up ready to argue and push each others buttons, which pushes my buttons. I have all sorts of thoughts swirling in my head, is this the right path?( even though i am more certain about unschooling than most things ), am i able to do this well? am i ruining my children? all this struggle must come from something i am doing wrong . I feel empty, and it have to force myself to smile. I am a generally happy person, and these negative moments are out of character. I turned on my computer to search this beautiful website, i was thinking the peaceful parenting section, when i clicked on this first link!!! Tears filled my eyes after only the first few sentences! You spoke to the part of my soul that needed speaking too!!!! Thank you for this amazing website, your positive attitude, grace and ability to get me back on track! Thank you Thank you THANK YOU!!!
Susie
Susie, thanks so much for sharing…I so appreciate your honesty and authenticity. MANY of us experience the feelings you’ve described from time to time, and it’s so reassuring to know we’re not alone! I’m so glad my words resonated with you. I wish you many moments of peace and joy in the days ahead!
Thanks for sharing this Nicole, I have denied honoring my introverted nature for so long. I know it makes such a difference to my day, week, month when I give myself the recharge time I need to balance our social engagements and the energy my family needs from me. It is reassuring to hear other introvert mums acknowledging and honoring their needs.
Thanks so much for your comment. I think many of us introverts do tend to deny our natures. The myth we grew up with was that moms never need time for themselves – a myth we still struggle to release today! It’s a process, for sure, but well worth it.
Ok. But what if you only just figured out the whole I’m an introvert and homeschool and run a business and I feel like a tube of toothpaste that had been squeezed empty and some really crazed but important people keep squeezing me but I’m seriously out of toothpaste!!!!!
Yikes! I know that feeling – I’ve been there! In my situation, I really needed to sit down with the important people in my life and ask for their input. At my “emptiest” I really needed help figuring out how to put some supports into place. Sometimes a life coach can help with this, too. I was blessed to have good friends, loving family, and a life coach all work with me to refill my tube of toothpaste. It’s definitely a process, and not one we can undertake alone. <3
Thank you! This article is very helpful. I thought I was just lame. I had forgotten about being an introvert. I guess that is why I keep stomping around wishing they would *sometimes* “just leave me alone!” I do need to be alone sometimes (often) and I haven’t been doing much to help that. I’ve just been feeling like a bad mom. *sigh* I think the only thing that keeps me sane is taking a bath every night. No, no, not just jump in and get wet. I mean, I only put in hot water, so it takes a long time to cool off, and I bring along a cup of hot tea and a book. The mayhem that happens outside the bathroom door is not my concern. Sure, it’s the only bath in the house, so there is a parade of “need-to-go-pees,” but then they leave again. It’s 30-45 minutes of almost peace. Still, it would be neat to get some alone time during daylight hours and in other rooms of the house. 🙂 Thanks for the reminder to fit in some solitude time – maybe they can go to Grandma’s for an afternoon? Great article. Thanks
You’re very welcome 🙂
Kudos to you for finding something that works – it’s not an easy thing to do!
Aha–kindred spirits! I am an introverted mom to an introverted unschooler. It’s bit of a downer to read about all the homeschoolers (and unschoolers among them) getting out and doing things with friends and going to classes and conferences and park days, bla, bla, joyous bla…
And here is my son, all alone at home at the computer, modding a Nintendo game, no social life–and he’s okay with it. I mean, he’d really like to find someone else just like himself. But that person is also probably holed up somewhere being blissfully introverted.
So true 🙂
I am an introvert grandma, homeschooling an extrovert 8 year old grandson…and exploring unschooling. I don’t know if I am encouraged, or discouraged! This is NOT easy, but rewarding. I too hadn’t given any thought as to my personal need to have alone time, because I never have any, except I hate getting out of the shower in the morning!
Hi Kathy,
Thanks for sharing. What a wonderful gift you are giving your grandson! You’re right, it’s not easy, but it is rewarding. Finding a way to recharge and refresh ourselves as introverts is especially challenging in this lifestyle. I’ve made progress – in fits and starts – but it has taken not only being intentional about it, but also working with a life coach and dear friend to help me find things that will work for me. My heart is with you as you travel this road; may you find the time you need to make this life joyful and fulfilling.
I definitely am one of them. I alywas think, Why don’t they take the $$ they spend on the party, split it up, and then give us the day off w/ pay? I would rather have the money, even if it was just a few bucks, really!As a boss, this is what I did, and my people really appreciated it.
Wow I just realized this was written a long time ago, but I just had to comment. I am an introverted unschooling mom and I love every bit of it. My kids are 6,7 and 9 and can occupy themselves for chunks of time throughout the day. My only problem right now is GUILT – All the articles and videos and interviews I see about unschooling families tend to give the impression that if you aren’t CONSTANTLY interacting with your kids that they aren’t getting their emotional needs met and I’m being lazy. I feel guilty that my kids love to be on their computers building elaborate worlds in minecraft, making youtube video tutorials and researching online. I’ve failed because I’m not still breastfeeding and they are still under 10 years old!! (lol). We spend a lot of our afternoons doing this. Dad brings home the bacon from working on his computer all day and we are just a computer family! We also go bike trail riding and swim a lot, go to parks a few times a week, all of them working on their Black Belts, we have lemonade and craft selling stands and of other things as well, so I should probably stop beating myself up we have a pretty rich life. I thought that unschooling was allowing the kids some autonomy and space (not talking isolation or neglect) with me being a facilitator and resource provider, having conversations and exploring things togerher at times (but not ALL-the freaking-time lol) I do basic math/grammar workbooks with them most week day mornings -just quick to ”make sure” they are getting some basics and they enjoy it. But we are, for the most part, homebodies (we do have friends though 🙂 ) and I really compare myself badly to these extroverted attachment parent personalities who are not like me at all personality wise and I hope that I can be fully comfortable without comparing myself or my family with them someday. Once I can kick the guilt I will probably be able to actually get to experience the full joy that unschooling is supposed to let us have. Well that was kind of rambling haha but I’m just feeling extra guilty this week for some reason. It really helps finding articles written by like-minded people going through similar things. Thank you for this article 🙂
Heidi,
Thanks for sharing your journey with us…it does help to hear from others going through similar things! It sounds like you KNOW what to do…let go of the guilt! Actually walking in that truth is a day by day thing, though. Be gentle with yourself; you are a “work in progress” – as are we all.
I wish you great joy as you continue on your (less guilty!) path 🙂
-Nicole
All the mom’s I know juggle everything so we’ll. I don’t do a whole lot of fun, great stuff, and have my 2 unschooled children constantly reminding me of this fact. I feel pretty helpless sometimes. What is a life coach?
I feel immense guilt that my dd 7 wants to go to school bc she’s so bored at home and I just can’t keep up with her need for stimulation as an introverted mom, among other things. Her last year of school was Kinder and so her view of school is unicorns and rainbows, and even then school was a nightmare bc it didn’t meet her needs around her challenges. Oy. I feel so drained by the thought of trying to increase our activity level but I’m trying to find something to power me through bc I LOVE unschooling and would never want it any other way. Just reading this post and these comments has really helped me get reinvigorated bc I can at least start dropping the guilt, knowing it’s not just me and it’s ok to meet both my needs and theirs.
Demetria,
It’s definitely NOT just you! Hearing that others are going through similar challenges has always helped me, too. Best of luck to you as you navigate the uncharted waters of meeting everyone’s needs, including your own!